SpeedFreak Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Share this with a friend. I just did. A BLONDE'S YEAR IN REVIEW January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight. February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!! March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!' April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!! May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!! June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope. July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!! August Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open. September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it??? October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel. November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!! December Couldn't call 911 ...... 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut & stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!' My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 HAVING MOM OVER FOR DINNER > > You don't even have to be a mother to enjoy this one... > > Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the > meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's > roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a > relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. > Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she > started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than > met the eye. > > Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must > be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' > About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your > mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver > gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' > > Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be > sure. > So he sat down and wrote: > ___________________________________________________________ > Dear Mom, > > I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm > not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact > remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. > Love, Brian > ___________________________________________________________ > > Several days later, Brian received an email back from his mother that > read: > ___________________________________________________________ > > Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not > saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains > that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the > gravy ladle by now. > Love, Mom > > LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER ************ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted May 25, 2008 Share Posted May 25, 2008 Theres some to keep you entertained for now, Il post some more up tomorrow! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starletraje Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 wow the girls got jokes...heres my contribution, sorry if its been posted alreadyTwo couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?" Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday.Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left.Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100.""Good," Dave says. "Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galliano Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 A girl goes to the docs about a rash on her fanny.the doc asks "how often do you have sex?"Once or twice a year" the girl repliedTo which the doctor replied "well thats not a rash, its f**kin rust!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DetomasoNick Posted June 5, 2008 Share Posted June 5, 2008 My wife being unhappy with my mood swings bought me one of these mood rings so she could monitor my mood. We discovered that when I am in a good mood it turns green and when I am in a bad mood it leaves a big fucking red mark on her forehead--------------------------------------------------------A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.The librarian says; "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."--------------------------------------------------------While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, my wife and I listened to the instructor declare, 'it is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'He addressed the men: 'can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'I leaned over, touched my wife's arm gently and whispered, 'self-raising, isn't it?' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Joey Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leadingTowards the heavens, so he starts ascending.After an hour or so of climbing, he arrives at a landing where an oldMan in white robes and a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the old man.'I am St. Peter. Mohammed is further up the stairs.''But this is great news,' exclaims the bomber.'Mohammed is higher than St. Peter! I can hardly believe it!'He continues ascending the stairs.After another hour of hard climbing he arrives at another landing.Standing on the landing is a serene-looking man with long hair and aLong white beard.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the man.'I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up the stairs.''But this is amazing news,' exclaims the bomber.'Mohammed is even higher than Jesus! Martyrdom is wonderful!!'With this, he continues ascending the stairs.After two hours of hard climbing, he arrives on a huge landing.There, sitting on a magnificent throne, is another old man withFlowing white robes, a beard, and long white hair.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the old man.. 'I am God.''But this is incredible news!' screams the bomber.'Mohammed is higher than God even!! I am so excited, I can't believeIt! Martyrdom is thrilling!!''You look tired, my son,' says God.'Would you like to sit down and rest a while?''Oh yes,' replies the bomber.'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'The bomber sits and God says, 'You look thirsty, my son. Would you likeA cup of coffee?''Oh yes, please, ' replies the bomber. 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, 'Oy, Mohammed,Two coffees over here you paki bastard, and make it snappy!!!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Starletraje Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 A Taliban suicide bomber pulls the plug and explodes...........BOOM!!!A short while later he finds himself on a huge white staircase leadingTowards the heavens, so he starts ascending.After an hour or so of climbing, he arrives at a landing where an oldMan in white robes and a long flowing beard is sitting surrounded by ledgers.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the old man.'I am St. Peter. Mohammed is further up the stairs.''But this is great news,' exclaims the bomber.'Mohammed is higher than St. Peter! I can hardly believe it!'He continues ascending the stairs.After another hour of hard climbing he arrives at another landing.Standing on the landing is a serene-looking man with long hair and aLong white beard.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the man.'I am Jesus. Mohammed is further up the stairs.''But this is amazing news,' exclaims the bomber.'Mohammed is even higher than Jesus! Martyrdom is wonderful!!'With this, he continues ascending the stairs.After two hours of hard climbing, he arrives on a huge landing.There, sitting on a magnificent throne, is another old man withFlowing white robes, a beard, and long white hair.'Excuse me, Sir,' he says. 'Are you Mohammed?''No,' replies the old man.. 'I am God.''But this is incredible news!' screams the bomber.'Mohammed is higher than God even!! I am so excited, I can't believeIt! Martyrdom is thrilling!!''You look tired, my son,' says God.'Would you like to sit down and rest a while?''Oh yes,' replies the bomber.'I am very tired and would love a rest before I carry on, thank you.'The bomber sits and God says, 'You look thirsty, my son. Would you likeA cup of coffee?''Oh yes, please, ' replies the bomber. 'I am most thirsty, thank you.'With this, God turns and snaps his fingers and shouts, 'Oy, Mohammed,Two coffees over here you paki bastard, and make it snappy!!!' .... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Idrees Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Disgusting. Not funny at you all you fucking twat. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ste91 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Disgusting. Not funny at you all you fucking twat. What's so bad about them they're only jokes I take it you're a muslim? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Idrees Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Its just that one joke. I mean if I posted a joke which included something like that about white people, I'm sure it would not be appreciated. Not that I would EVER do that anyway.Muslim or non-muslim, thats fucking disgusting and not slightly funny And I'm sure mature members on here will agree. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galliano Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 :S wrong move Joey.apologise so we can get on with laughing.also think my joke on rust and rashes was a little tight on the girls..? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
!Rush! Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Its just that one joke. I mean if I posted a joke which included something like that about white people, I'm sure it would not be appreciated. Not that I would EVER do that anyway.Muslim or non-muslim, thats fucking disgusting and not slightly funny And I'm sure mature members on here will agree.liten up their jokes, nobodies tryin to offend anybody.its like me sayin to a girl 'i dont think those shoes go with that dress' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galliano Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 i agree with rush on the first line... second line.. im lost ?? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ste91 Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 at the end of the day they're jokes, just a bit of fun and banter that's all Quote Link to post Share on other sites
!Rush! Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 i agree with rush on the first line... second line.. im lost ??i meant if you said that a lot of girls would be upset.thats why i aint posted jokes up im not funny.i understand how it can be racist or upsetting but its like we all make jokes about culture sexizme age death but at the end of the day there jokes. nobodies tryin to hurt anybodies feelings Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galliano Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 im following ya now.i really dont think Joey was aiming it at anyone, it made her chuckle so she posted it, she didnt think "ah idrees, gotta post this" somhow just cant see that being Joeys taste Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Okay!! ...Here's some more jokes to keep the mood light!An man went for a job at a blacksmith's, the blacksmith asked 'have you had any experience at shoeing horses?' the man replied 'no, but I once told a donkey to f*ck off!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Arsenal ground staff were seen planting potatoes in the centre circle of the Emirates stadium today. A spokesman said it was so they had something to lift at the end of the season!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 Late one Saturday night, a young chap was walking home from the pub. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Suddenly he heard a strange noise ... BUMP........ BUMP......... BUMP........ Startled, he turned around. To his amazement, through the driving rain he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP........ He froze to the spot. He couldn't believe his eyes. As the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly. It was a coffin. Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home. BUMP........ BUMP........ BUMP......... The coffin was gaining on him. He started walking faster......... BUMP.... BUMP....... BUMP........BUMP....... BUMP........BUMP........ The coffin was closing with his every step. He started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him ... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP.... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ....... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP...... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP..... Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock. He dived inside, slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase ... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him. He bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door ... BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... BUMP... SCREECH .. HOP... BUMP... SCREECH ... HOP... The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges ... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the terrified young lad. BUMP.... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet ... He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin ... still it came ........ BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it ... still it came....... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ... still it came...... BUMP... SCREECH .. BUMP... SCREECH... He grabbed some Benylin cough mixture and threw it ... The coffin stopped. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 GOOD SAMARITAN: > A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good > Samaritan. She asked the class, 'If you saw a person lying on the > roadside, > all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?' A thoughtful little girl > broke the hushed silence, 'I think I'd throw up' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 DID NOAH FISH? > A Sunday school teacher asked, 'Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of > fishing when he was on the Ark?' 'No,' replied Johnny. 'How could he, with > just two worms Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 HIGHER POWER: > A Sunday school teacher said to her children, 'We have been learning how > powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher > power. Can anybody tell me what it is?' One child blurted out, 'Aces!' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SpeedFreak Posted June 9, 2008 Share Posted June 9, 2008 THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD: > A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of > the > most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a > month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task - but, > he > just couldn't remember the Psalm. After > much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that > the > kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky > was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and > said proudly, 'The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.' Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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