Ichiban Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And on and on.Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been granted his stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news.As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked, drying his legs and feet."They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 :lol: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I know where your getting these from ichiban!Amazing Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 A young lady in the maternity ward, just prior to labor, is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth."I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies."O.K. do you have a boyfriend?", asks the Midwife."No, no boyfriend either." "Do you have a partner then?""No, I'm unattached, I'll be having the baby on my own."After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black.""Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in an adult movie. The lead man was black.""Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.""Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?""Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.""Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."At this the midwife again apologizes collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the rear.The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!""What do you mean?!" says the midwife, shocked."Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that she was going to bark."Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 That's awful Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ichiban Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 Damn, my secret is uncovered it was only a matter of timeI though about posting that one but, I thought it was just sick pm me where you think I got them from and I will tell you if you are right Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 In my world anything goes.It was not that sick lol, there is much worse.pmd dude.Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 those are awesome!!!!! no such thing as too sick, unless its Diana jokes because those are just cruel and mean! Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted January 16, 2007 Share Posted January 16, 2007 I like- Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Useless Facts1. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.2. The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."3. Barbie's full name is Barbara Millicent Roberts.4. Every time you lick a stamp, you consume 1/10 of a calorie.5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.6. Studies show that if a cat falls off the seventh floor of a building it has about thirty percent less chance of surviving than a cat that falls off the twentieth floor. It supposedly takes about eight floors for the cat to realize what is occurring, relax and correct itself.7. Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks otherwise it will digest itself.8. The citrus soda 7-UP was created in 1929; '7' was selected after the original 7-ounce containers and 'UP' for the direction of the bubbles.9. 101 Dalmatians, Peter Pan, Lady and the Tramp, and Mulan are the only Disney cartoons where both parents are present and don't die throughout the movie. .10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.11. 'Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.12. To escape the grip of a crocodile's jaws, push your thumbs into its eyeballs - it will let you go instantly.13. Reindeer like to eat bananas.14. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver and purple.15. The word "samba" means "to rub navels together."16. Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.17. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.18. The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II Killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.20. A 'jiffy' is a unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted January 23, 2007 Share Posted January 23, 2007 Useless Facts5. The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.10. A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.19. More people are killed annually by donkeys than airplane crashes.5.Wish i was the average person... 10.Thats a serious orgasm 19.Serious??? Good find Joz!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted January 24, 2007 Share Posted January 24, 2007 Those Donkey's can be dangerous at times you know Wish I was an average person too -Normally takes me about an hour to get to sleep. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
keirz Posted January 24, 2007 Author Share Posted January 24, 2007 some cool facts there. but i have a question. cats always land on there feet and buttered bread always land buttered side down right? so........if you taped buttered bread to the back of a cat would it float? i just dont get it. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 What are the four worst things about being an egg?1. You only get hard once2. You only get laid once3. You only get eaten once4. And the only one who sits on your face is your motherJoz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 @ Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 Top Four Adult Jokes Fourth Place: A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your b reast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Third Place : One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Runner Up: Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." ----------------------------------------------------------------------- ------------ Winner: A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times." Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 :P thought the pickle one was pretty good Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 :P quality!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted February 8, 2007 Share Posted February 8, 2007 I likey Sparks. Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Adult jokes are defo the best.A female TV reporter arranged for an interview with a farmer, seeking the main cause of Mad Cow disease.The Lady: "Good evening, sir. I am here to collect information on the possible source of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"The Farmer stared at the reporter and said: "Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"The lady reporter (obviously embarrassed): "Well, sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"The Farmer: "And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"The reporter: "Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"The Farmer: "I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 :P Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 Fantastic Joz!!!!!!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 :P :P :P Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
SiCaln Posted February 9, 2007 Share Posted February 9, 2007 NOICE Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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