Asad Posted December 11, 2010 Share Posted December 11, 2010 -I discovered that my son has now become sexualy active today..........Not what i wanted to hear from the vet-Laptop battery-10% (5min left)........Your on!!!!-Making £££ is easy, press shift and 3 a few times-I absolutely shit myself today.......its the last time i try a sneaky fart at work-Man goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide....librarian says "fuck off you wont bring it back" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Dan507 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 What do you call a man with now shins? TonyWhat do you call a man with a car on his head? Jack Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Misterdan88 Posted June 18, 2011 Share Posted June 18, 2011 not gone through the thread so not sure if these has been said, but heres a few:whats the fastest cake in the world??? scone!how do you get a fat bird into bed??? piece of cake. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Galliano Posted June 24, 2011 Share Posted June 24, 2011 My wifes just had a baby so I asked the doctor "How long will it be before we can have sex?"He winked and replied, "I'm just about to go on lunch, meet me in my car in 10 minutes." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
waseemrafiq Posted June 6, 2012 Share Posted June 6, 2012 Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them, they said it would be just like winning the lottery!I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off and to my horror, we had six matching balls! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
waseemrafiq Posted June 6, 2012 Share Posted June 6, 2012 Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge. “Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied. “Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer. “But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met this man in my life.” “Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me. Now doesn’t that show good character?! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
waseemrafiq Posted June 6, 2012 Share Posted June 6, 2012 (edited) A 93 year old man's sat on the curb cryingPasserby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sextwice before breakfast and lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!" Passerby says "whats the problem?"The old man replies "I can'tfucking remember where I live!" Edited June 6, 2012 by waseemrafiq Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Ep'd Posted March 21, 2013 Share Posted March 21, 2013 "Excuse me sir, could you give up your seat please?"Said the bus driver, as a pregnant girl got on. "No way, she should have fucked someone with a car" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Browner Posted July 3, 2013 Share Posted July 3, 2013 What's brown and runs around the garden?A fence(worst joke of all time!) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kavan-k Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 (edited) I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.It's true, I saw it with my own eyes............................................................................As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows.""What was that?" snapped my wife. "You herd." Edited July 9, 2013 by kavan-k Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Xpect Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Well, one freely translated:There is no "too young", only "too tight" and "tight" has a stretchy definition. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
morgey Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 Why couldn't Susan swing on the swing?She had no arms.Knock knockWho's thereNot Susan Quote Link to post Share on other sites
AlancEP82 Posted July 9, 2013 Share Posted July 9, 2013 why did so many niggers die in the Veitnam war ? every time someone shouted 'get down' all the niggers jumped up and started dancing Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kavan-k Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Browner Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 What's black and blue and hates sex?.........................The bird back in my apartment (",) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
loguey Posted September 7, 2013 Share Posted September 7, 2013 (edited) I tried to post the whole joke but its wayyyy to long and crashed my pc, but make yourself a brew, and have a read, try not to skip too much if you have you but its totally worth reading through to get to the punchline and is actually a surprisingly good story! http://www.ign.com/boards/threads/is-the-better-nate-than-lever-anti-joke-worth-the-read.207366769/ Edited September 7, 2013 by loguey Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Allyboy81 Posted October 23, 2017 Share Posted October 23, 2017 What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe??? roberto :-) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
richglanzav Posted October 24, 2017 Share Posted October 24, 2017 what does a gay horse eat? hayyyyyyyyyyy *said in super camp voice* Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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