Guest cheshireglanza Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 Irish sausages... Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" Asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter.The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?""If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?" demanded the Irishman indignantly. "Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?"Then, warming to his theme, he went on:"Or if I asked you for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would ya? Would ya?"The assistant said: "Well, no"Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it up a gear."And if I asked you for frogs' legs, would you ask me if I was French? What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?""Well, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant. So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?"The assistant replied: "Because you're in Homebaseâ? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest cheshireglanza Posted January 12, 2010 Share Posted January 12, 2010 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.She asked, 'What's on TV?'I said, 'Dust.'And that's when the fight started................................................My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?""No," she answered.I then said, "Is that your final answer?"She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."And that's when the fight started...............................................I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation."Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said .So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"And that's when the fight started................................................Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into atorrential downpour.The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'And that's when the fight started............................................A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy Crap. That must be my husband!'So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out thewindow. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woma n, 'I AM your husband!'The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'And that's when the fight started...............................................I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95.Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the facecream..And that's when the fight started............................................A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, 'I feelhorrible; I look old, fat and ugly.I really need you to pay me a compliment.'The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'And that's when the fight started.................................................I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took myorder first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."And that's when the fight started............................................My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and Ikept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at anearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?''Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.''My God!' said my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'And that's when the fight started.................................................................................After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my SINThe woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt.' So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'And that's when the fight started...............................................................................................When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.And that's when the fight started......................................................................................My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.I bought her a bathroom scale.And that's when the fight started.......................................................................................One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used thegift I bought you last year!"And that's how the fight started...... The doctor told a man that masturbating before sex, often helped men Last longer during the act.The man decided, "What the heck, I'll try it. He spent the rest of the Day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he Realized his solution. On the way home from work, he pulled his truck over on the side of the Highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to Masturbate, he closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at his pant leg. Not Wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut And replied, "What?" He heard , "This is the police. What in the hell are you doing?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop says, "Well, you better check your brakes too, because Your Truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago." Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted January 13, 2010 Share Posted January 13, 2010 Some good ones there lol hurt my eys though Quote Link to post Share on other sites
joe-ep91 Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 The doctor said to John "I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating Mr Stevens""WHAT! Are you being serious Doc? But why" replied JohnThe doctor looked at John and said "Why.......WHY???........because I'm trying to examine you!!!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Aga Posted January 20, 2010 Share Posted January 20, 2010 great stuff heheh Quote Link to post Share on other sites
chrisssteeven Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 Let me share one joke from my side on Mr. Bean.At an ATM machineFriend: What are you looking at?Mr. Bean: I know your PIN no., hee, hee. Friend: Alright, what is my PIN no. if you saw it?Mr. Bean: four asterisks (****)! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
gaz Posted February 13, 2010 Share Posted February 13, 2010 I beleive this quote was from Terry Wogan.-When I told everyone I wanted to become a comedian, they all laughed.Well now I am a comedian..... They're not laughing now! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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