jokes

[bucketep91]

A woman slips naked in her bathroom, does the splits and ends up suctioned to the floor by her fanny. Her husband tries but cant budge her so calls his mate who says " ill bring a hammer, we can break the tiles and lift her!" the husband replies " ok ill lick her ears and play with her tits while u get it." "why?" asks his mate. The husband replies " if i can get her wet we can slide her to the kitchen where the tiles are cheaper!"

2 dogs in the vet. jack and butch, butch asks jack "what are you in for?" I mauled a postman so im bieng put to sleep" says jack "what are you in for?" butch says "i was walking past the bathroom when i saw my owner, stark naked bending over the bath washing her hair. I was feeling horny so i mounted her doggy style." "jesus! no wonder your being put to sleep then!" "im not" says butch "Im here to have my nails clipped"

Horny fat wife in stockings and high heels puts on a cape and bursts into the bedroom and shouts to her husband "SUPERPUSSY!" he looks up and says "ill have the soup"

[Steve GT]

went to a great disability disco the other day

all the lasses there had no legs

dance floor was crawling with fanny

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Finished 2nd in a strawberry crushing competition the other day

the woman who won it had no legs

Jammy C**T

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2 chavs in a saxo drive off a cliff

Whats the shame in that????

A saxo holds 5 :lol

[Sparky]

Fucking LOL @ all of them

[LukeSR]

Jesus Steve, please gtfo..

[Craig_T]

I'd get banned for my jokes :/

[addz]

A little bird was flying in cold winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large farm.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realise how warm he was.

The dung was actually covering him up.

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, took him and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[Raz]

lmao addz

[addz]

You know it's true lol

[bucketep91]

A guy at a bar is staring into his pint and sighed heavily, the barman asked "whats up with you mate?" "my 5 year old son got our 16 year old nieghbour pregnant!" says the man. "What? Is that even possible?" asked the barman "No" replied the man "the little basterd stuck a pin in all my condoms!"

[paulgtt]

I stuck these up in the other jokes thread too btw1

I was in a club on Saturday night, completely wasted and walked up to this beautiful blonde at the bar,

"Duck my sick" I said drunkenly

"Your so wasted" she replied, "don't you mean suck my dick?"

I threw up all over her and said "Nope!"

A gypo girl is about to get married. Her Mum says "Emerald, you do realize that when your married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"

The daughter replies, "Shut up Ma, how the fuck is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink!?!"

The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does it's own oil change......Its just a shame the management system is so fucking tempermental.

[scot-ish]

i think people will get offended quick in here lol

how many alzheimer's sufferers does it take to change a lightbulb?

to get to the other side.

.......................................

Man comes into the house while the wife is watchin some cooking programmes.

husband " why you watchin them, you cant even cook" chuckling to himself

Wife " you watch porn dont you"

[Sanchez]

Today some bloke through a block of cheese at me in the supermarket...

I said ''thats not very mature is it''

I'll get my coat haha

[jonny-boi32]

bob set out to collect some money from bills. he walked up to a house and knocked the door. the woman answered, so he asked for the money he was owed.

The woman said " im sorry but im abit short this month, but is there anyother way we can work this out??" bob thought for a moment, then the woman suggestes sexual favours, so bob agrees.

they set of to the bed room and undress, the woman is delighted as she watchs bob pulls out his penis, as it is the largest she has ever seen. bobs reaches into his pocket and starts putting washers over his penis, the woman says " what you doing bob? you dont have worry, i can take it!!" bob replies "Not for a fiver you wont!!"