Ichiban

They currently have in asda creme egg dairy milk chocolate bars!!!

THEY RULE!!!

Eat one then have a peanut butter kit kat chunky and its absolutly fantastic!

Oh yes, creme eggs all the way!!

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a

cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: â??If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?â?ÂÂ

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly

answers: â??Sure. Why not?â?ÂÂ

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,

surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an

ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

â??You have exactly 1586 sheep.â?ÂÂ

â??Thatâ??s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.â?ÂÂ, says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: â??Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? â?ÂÂ

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:â??Okay, why not?â?ÂÂ

â??Youâ??re a consultant.â? says the shepherd.

â??Wow! Thatâ??s correct,â? says the yuppie, â??but how did you guess that?â?ÂÂ

â??No guessing requiredâ?ÂÂ, answered the shepherd.

â??You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you donâ??t know crap about my businessâ?¦ Now give me back my dog.â?ÂÂ

A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

thats good

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a Sydney construction site.

The foreman points to a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping."

To the Irishman he says "You're in charge of shoveling."

To the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."

So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, but when he returns the pile of sand is untouched.

He says to the Italian: "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I no gotta broom, an' you tella me dat de Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies, but he disappear and I no finda him."

Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, that ye did, but I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese fella in charge of supplies, but I couldn't fin' him."

The foreman is really angry now, and storms off looking for the Chinese guy.

He can't find him anywhere and is getting angrier by the minute.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells... "Supplies!!"

What a tit and also felt a little sick think about that

lets hope they don't get feelings for each other. HIGH 6!!

one board game they won't promote on tv:

Incest: fun for the whole family

Urrrm dont ask Ecks that

I think they have sussed you out ecksjay

Heres another one from me:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.

"No, I don't" she replied.

Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size."

She didn't crack a smile.

"Oh, well. I tried," he thought.

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?" he asked.

I was just picturing how condoms are made!" she said.

Just seen the thread, That is a serious accident. Glad you are ok

I always remember what my dad said to me when I obliterated my 106 when I spun it through a hedge and a tree "If your gonna crash, do a decent job of wrecking the car"

I ended up having 4 staples put into my head, wasn't pleasant

Although, I still like starlets so that sucks having another one smashed up

Worry about a car later, get better first

Pads may be sticking in the carriers.

take the pads out, and clean the areas where the pads sit in the caliper carriers (clean the carriers also) when rebuilding, use some copper grease on those areas. also clean the sliders

Not quite jokes but some hilarious (and even more hilarious, REAL!) product warnings

Liquid Plummer

Warning: Do not reuse the bottle to store beverages.

Windex

Do not spray in eyes.

Bowl Fresh

Safe to use around pets and children, although it is not recommended that either be permitted to drink from toilet.

Toilet Plunger

Caution: Do not use near power lines.

Dremel Electric Rotary Tool

This product not intended for use as a dental drill.

Arm & Hammer Scoopable Cat Litter

Safe to use around pets.

Endust Duster

This product is not defined as flammable by the Consumer Products Safety Commision Regulations. However, this product can be ignited under certain circumstances.

Baby Oil

Keep out of reach of children

Little Ones Baby Lotion

Keep away from children

Hair Coloring

Do not use as an ice cream topping.

Wet-Nap

Directions: Tear open packet and use.

Dial Soap

Directions: Use like regular soap.

Stridex Foaming Face Wash

May contain foam.

Beach Ball

CAUTION: It is not a life saving device.

Chainsaw

Do not attempt to stop chain with hands.

Sears hairdryer:

Do not use while sleeping.

Bag of Fritos:

You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.

Bar of Dial soap:

Directions: Use like regular soap.

Swann frozen dinners:

Serving suggestion: Defrost.

Hotel provided shower cap in a box:

Fits one head.

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)

Do not turn upside down.

And some more:

Old Spice Red Zone Deoderant

Use only on underarms.

Zantac 75

Do not take if allergic to zantac.

Sleeping Pills

Warning: May cause Drowsiness

Christmas Lights

Warning: For indoor or outdoor use only.

Bic Lighter

Ignite lighter away from face.

Komatsu Floodlight

This floodlight is capable of illuminating large areas, even in the dark

Earplugs

These ear plugs are nontoxic, but may interfere with breathing if caught in windpipe

Mattress

Warning: Do not attempt to swallow

Matches

Caution: Contents may catch fire.

Pepper Spray

Caution: Never aim spray at your own eyes.

Auto-Shade Widnshield Visor

Warning: Do not drive with sunshade in place. Remove from windshield before starting ignition.

Fix-a-Flat

WARNING: Do not weld can to rim.

Rain Gauge

Suitable for outdoor use.

RCA Television Remote Control

Not Dishwasher Safe

Pine Mountain Fire Logs

Caution: Risk of fire

Triops Fish Food

Warning: Not for human consumption

Home Depot Treated Lumber

Do not consume

Hair Dryer

Warning: Do not use while sleeping.

Road Sign

Caution water on road during rain.

Camera

This camera will only work when film is inside.

Road Sign

Cemetery Road. Dead End

Church Parking Lot Sign

Thou shalt not park

Children's Superman Costume

Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.

Silk Soy Milk

Shake well and buy often

Air Conditioner

Caution: Avoid dropping air conditioners out of windows.

Rowenta Iron

Warning: Never iron clothes on the body.

Slush Puppy Cup

This ice may be cold

American Airlines Peanuts

Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.

Nabisco Easy Cheese

For best results, remove cap.

Swanson TV Dinners

This product must be cooked before eating.

Hershey's Almond Bar

Warning: May contain traces of nuts

Heinz Ketchup

Instructions: Put on food

This one cracked me up

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure . I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

..........

The bank manager looks back at her and says...

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

A TRD one should be the same, its a official toyota tuning part

i've got a mate who does it too, i'm hopeless when it comes to stuff like that, i'd just get pissed off and smash the cunt off with a hammer ;)

Good ol' mild mannered harry!

What you need is the toyota geniune oil filter removal tool.

I was gonna sell mine on here but it works for my mazda filter also

Thats ok. I will re-stud the spanking paddle for later ;)

If eckjay's rims are too jdm for you (but, they look sooooo good!) ;) my slipstreams are for sale on ebay atm:

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/16-rota-slipstream-a...1QQcmdZViewItem

Might be worth trying a new lambda sensor. I have failed a few cars with high emissions, tried a new sensor, and sailed through. depends entirely on the car though. you could try a 2nd hand one if money is a bit tight (no guarantee it will work with a 2nd hand one)

Looks like you were very lucky. bloody vans!

thats a shitter bro, luckely your alright,

quite a few starlets getting trashed the now,

if you dont decide to keep the wheels i might by them off you?

My sr wheels are still for sale if you want some. (pm me for pics)

I see a lot of R/C's but looks like none of you race them. i spend almost every weekend going to race meeting as i find building them is only 1/2 the fun

Heres my newest race car :

it's a hot bodies cyclone hara spec. currently carpet racing only for that one. also have a standard cyclone for tarmac racing

heres my race shell

and heres my show shell (as i'm a big fan of dtm)

Thats a bit of bad news mate.....but how do you know they used a civic sport to batter the gates????

they left it in the car park

We had 2 cars stolen from our dealership last night. used a civic sport to batter the gates open and destroyed the key boxes to take them

1. Light blue (magentic) CRV reg: FN05 ZYF

2. Milano red civic type R reg: CF03 WCV

We have a box key system where the key's are kept on the itself in a locked box. these were forced open to take the cars so there won't be any signs of damage. I did see broken glass where the type r was parked so it may be worth a look. the boxes are now removed from all the cars on site and locked away safely

I highly doubt the original reg plates will stay on the cars but if anyone finds cars like these for sale and have doubts, send me a pm. if anyone finds them, could you send me the chassis no. we may be able to trace them that way. they have been registered with the police so it won't do them much good to sell them on

this may sound stupid, but the type r had kumho tyres on the front (should be bridgestone normally) may be a sign of the stolen car

Thanks in advance

Hey guys, anybody know for much do S13s go for and where is the best place to look around for them?

Also do you know of any good scrap yards in Bristol?Hey guys, anybody know for much do S13s go for and where is the best place to look around for them?

Also do you know of any good scrap yards in Bristol?

Good question! I need to find one to fix my mazda some goon ( ok, ok me ) broke the hazard switch and i need a replacement

Just noticed that the passenger in the white van that tries to go thru behind the royal mail van hits his head on the windscreen and smashes it

Worth another look people

Have it!!

I'm a vehicle technician and MOT tester (qualified for the MOT testing yesterday! )for Honda. Did my apprentiship with Toyota.

there is a tatsu meet next friday, cud all meet there, i know a coulple of starlet lads goin,

change of plan dude, it's been moved to the day before (thursday) only found out today

its a gtr i believe

you got that right bud! no cheap gtx for me, it's GTR BABY!!

i never said there was anything wrong with it, i said i just dont do it.

i prefer to go around just molesting/fucking/raping people in the street, in daylight etc.

its wonderful fun, you should join me sometime.

TAG TEAM!

just call me the chloroform kid put some on a rag and away we go!

why do i get the feeling we are giving bristol a bad name?