Idrees Posted December 15, 2008 Posted December 15, 2008 Some of these really had me laughing. Sorry if you've read them somewhere before!>Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the > Morgue> > needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and > Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.> > Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, > "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.> Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought > that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the > body.> > > > Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"> The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it > ain't Paddy".> The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"> Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."> "What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.> "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,> folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."> > > > ~@~> > > > Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.> > Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5> people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"> > "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."> > "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You> have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."> > The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want> to speak to someone with more intelligence!"> > "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."> > > > ~@~> > > > Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to > show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather > perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.> > "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.> "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.> > "How does it work?"> > "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.> Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,> > "For F*ck sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"> > > > ~@~> > > > Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are > charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."> > A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"> The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."> > > > Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king b*stard!!!"> > > > The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, > "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but> > I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you> with contempt! Now what is the problem?"> > Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years> > I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a> > fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"> > > > ~@~> > > > A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in> his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that> one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.> > This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, > "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"> > The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"> > > > ~@~> > > > A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,> draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.> > After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her> supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor> what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment > suit against him.> > The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually > threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?> > The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."> > > > ~@~> > > > A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,> one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while > a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.> > Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes > falling out of that bag..."> > "Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can> > find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"> > "Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"> > > > "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto > the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans> come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand> behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone > sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' > "> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop> . "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"> > > > "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."> Quote
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