Idrees Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Some of these really had me laughing. Sorry if you've read them somewhere before!>Paddy the Irishman died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the > Morgue> > needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and > Sean (also Irishmen), were sent for.> > Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said, > "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over.> Seamus looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Paddy". The mortician thought > that was rather strange, but said nothing and asked Sean in to identify the > body.> > > > Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over"> The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it > ain't Paddy".> The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"> Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes."> "What, he had two arseholes?!!" said the mortician.> "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town,> folks would say, "Here comes Paddy with them two Arseholes...."> > > > ~@~> > > > Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.> > Paddy, the officer, stops them and tells them: "It is illegal to put 5> people in a Quattro, Quattro means four"> > "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishman retorts disbelievingly. "Look at the papers, this car is designed to carry five persons."> > "You cannot pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four. You> have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law."> > The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over I want> to speak to someone with more intelligence!"> > "Sorry," responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."> > > > ~@~> > > > Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to > show off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather > perplexed by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge.> > "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.> "Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.> > "How does it work?"> > "I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering blow with an unpadded hammer.> Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,> > "For F*ck sake, you wanker, it's twenty to two in the f*cking morning!!"> > > > ~@~> > > > Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are > charged with beating your wife to death with a spanner."> > A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!"> The judge continued, "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner."> > > > Again the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You Fu*king b*stard!!!"> > > > The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the court room, and said, > "Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but> > I will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you> with contempt! Now what is the problem?"> > Paddy, at the back of the court stood up and responded, "For fifteen years> > I've lived next door to that b*stard and every time I asked to borrow a> > fu*king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"> > > > ~@~> > > > A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in> his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that> one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer.> > This happens about another seven times before the bartender asks him, > "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"> > The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home!"> > > > ~@~> > > > A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her,> draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.> > After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her> supervisor to file a sexual harassment complaint. She tells the supervisor> what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment > suit against him.> > The supervisor is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually > threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice"?> > The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."> > > > ~@~> > > > A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,> one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while > a £20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.> > Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes > falling out of that bag..."> > "Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can> > find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"> > "Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"> > > > "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto > the car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans> come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand> behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone > sticks his thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' > "> "Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop> . "Good luck!" By the way, what's in the other bag?"> > > > "Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."> Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 ROFL Some awsome jokes there Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bluebear Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 Hahaha, some of those are awesome! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ste91 Posted December 15, 2008 Share Posted December 15, 2008 ROFL Some awsome jokes there+1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Some good ones in there Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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