THIS IS SO FUNNY

[Bilal]

got it off my local car forum site

CHUCK NORRIS

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead punched his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach messages to kittens and roundhouse kick them.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN

THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his

girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The

other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined

influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you

can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

At the end of each week, Chuck Norris murders a dozen white people just to prove he isn't a racist.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong, my friend.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the

face.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal

sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in

the stadium.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die

from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

Scientists used to believe that a diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris carries a man bag. If you call it a purse, he pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will blow up upon impact.

God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was

fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had

done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green number 4 card from the game Uno.

VIN DIESEL

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Vin Diesel.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULL****!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Vin Diesel speaks in Dolby 5.1 surround sound.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ****ing another.

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

MR T

Mr. T doesn't pity anyone who likes the Black Eyed Peas. He just kills them.

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the situation, he is always understood.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going to walk.

Mr. T coined the phrase, "I see dead people," after the waiting staff at Denny's forgot his birthday.

Mr. T once shook hands with Chuck Norris, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway.

On the A-team, Face , Haniabal, and Murdoch were all masters of disguise. Mr T didn't have to wear a disguise. The bad guys didn't recognize him out of fear.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then created Pity.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has taken you to read this sentence.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked Mr.T in the chest. the result was the 80's.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. An ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a Casbah.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both 'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

The "T" in Mr. T stands for a word that can not be translated into any language. If Mr. T were to speak it, being the only person who knows the word, the universe would implode.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him. What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is Mr. T.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting pain.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone, and as of now it has killed 6,048.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more room for muscle.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity. Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

Mr. T took Mother Nature from behind. We refer to the event as the Big Bang.

[Bilal]

Funniest thing ive ever read on any forum so far.

Enjoy

Bilal

[Guest Enzo]

thats some funny shit,

heres some other funny stuff

posted on a another forum

please no one take offence

Terrorist Suicide bombers Explained!!!

Everyone wonders why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's see now:

No beer, no bars, no radio, no television, no Playboy or Penthouse, no Teasers, no rugby, no football, no basketball, no baseball, no golf, no dancing, no music.

No bikinis on the beach, no nude beaches, no summer mini skirts and braless beauties.

No BBQ pork, no ham, no bacon, no hot-dogs, no burgers, no

lobster, no shellfish or even frozen seafood sticks. No Christmas!

Rags for clothes and dish towels for hats. Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are no doctors. Constant wailing from the guy in the tower. You can't shave. Your wife can't shave. You can't even shave your wife. Sand is everywhere. Sand gets into everything. You wipe your backside with your left hand without toilet paper and if they catch you stealing they chop off your good hand and you must eat with your shitty hand.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times. Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your camel, but your camel has a better disposition.

Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get 27 virgins and It all gets better!

So... Nope... No mystery here!

cracked me up

[gaz]

lol! seen some of that around,

[SiCaln]

They're fantastic guys rofl

[Bilal]

hahahaha yeh ive read the above so many times when im in a modd jus to make me happy

[BlackTarw]

They are from:

http://www.4q.cc/vin/index.php

http://www.4q.cc/chuck/

http://www.4q.cc/t/