Galliano Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force from an angry member of the publicA true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written...... --------------Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead.Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building.This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins.If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mai l with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.I remain your obedient servantMr ??????,I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you.Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.RegardsPC ???????Community Beat Officer Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Rickstar Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 hahahah.. wish i could write something like that!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Guest ep82_girl Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 that is awesum lolxx Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Craig_N Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Ive read that before and still find it funny reading it again Quote Link to post Share on other sites
lukEp Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 get in there Mr?? Quote Link to post Share on other sites
LukeSR Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Brilliant lol. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 best.email.evar!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Idrees Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Raz Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 WOW! Thats some powerfull email Quote Link to post Share on other sites
nutnut Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 nice one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Scott-EP Posted February 15, 2010 Share Posted February 15, 2010 This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.That is so funny haha!! Failed medical experiments i think you call them youths Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jason_T Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.LMAO.. brilliant letter Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bourkey Posted February 16, 2010 Share Posted February 16, 2010 Saw this a while back. I nearly died when i first read it. funny stuff!!!Bourkey Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Bourkey Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 Just found the second reply to this ;)Dear PC ???????First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.Regards?????????P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!! Bourkey Quote Link to post Share on other sites
anup67 Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 HAHAHAHA!that person is so funny! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bucketep91 Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 amazing my favourite bit was the bit about the kitchen loli want to see the sewage dept emails sooo bad now lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted February 17, 2010 Share Posted February 17, 2010 The reply is teh best!!! I wana see the sewearage ones aswell haha Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Raz Posted February 18, 2010 Share Posted February 18, 2010 this ???????? is class man!! Loving the grammar, words used lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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