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Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fuck off you liar!", they replied.

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fuckin' one ?"

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A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.

Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."

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A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW drives up in a

cloud of dust. The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: â??If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?â?ÂÂ

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly

answers: â??Sure. Why not?â?ÂÂ

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his AT&T cell phone,

surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact

fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an

ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says:

â??You have exactly 1586 sheep.â?ÂÂ

â??Thatâ??s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep.â?ÂÂ, says the shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: â??Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep? â?ÂÂ

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says:â??Okay, why not?â?ÂÂ

â??Youâ??re a consultant.â? says the shepherd.

â??Wow! Thatâ??s correct,â? says the yuppie, â??but how did you guess that?â?ÂÂ

â??No guessing requiredâ?ÂÂ, answered the shepherd.

â??You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you donâ??t know crap about my businessâ?¦ Now give me back my dog.â?ÂÂ

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Two blonds were riding up an elevator. Long before reaching their floor, the elevator stopped and this really great looking guy got on.

He smiled at the blonds, and reached over and hit the button for the next floor. Then he stood and admired the scenery while the elevator went up. When the door opened behind him, he smiled at the blondes, turned and went out the door. When he turned to leave, the blonds saw a large number of dandruff flakes down his back.

The first blond turned to the second blond and said, " Eewweue!"

The second blond said," Thats o.k. If I can get him home, I'll give him Head & Shoulders."

The first blond asked, "How do you give Shoulders?"

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A woman is in bed with her lover who happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation ...

She is speaking in a cheery voice "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye."

She hangs up the telephone, and her lover asks, "Who was that? Oh, she replies, that was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having with you on his fishing trip.

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I had to think for a second when I first heard that last one

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He aid "Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!"

The preacher said, "Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity."

The man said, "I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!"

The preacher said, "No shit?!"

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