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-I discovered that my son has now become sexualy active today..........Not what i wanted to hear from the vet

-Laptop battery-10% (5min left)........Your on!!!!

-Making £££ is easy, press shift and 3 a few times

-I absolutely shit myself today.......its the last time i try a sneaky fart at work

-Man goes into the library and asks for a book on suicide....librarian says "fuck off you wont bring it back"

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  • 6 months later...
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My wifes just had a baby so I asked the doctor "How long will it be before we can have sex?"

He winked and replied, "I'm just about to go on lunch, meet me in my car in 10 minutes."

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  • 11 months later...

Mr Luckless, before I pass sentence, do you have anyone who could vouch for your good character?” asked the judge. “Yes, Your Honour, I do,” he replied. “Him over there” and he pointed to the local police officer. “But your Honour,” spluttered the officer, “I’ve never met this man in my life.” “Exactly,” exclaimed Mr Luckless, triumphantly. “I’ve lived in this town for twenty years and the police still don’t know me. Now doesn’t that show good character?!

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A 93 year old man's sat on the curb crying

Passerby asks "whats up?" The old man moans "I'm 93,married to a 21 year old swedish underwear model who wants sex

twice before breakfast and lunch, once before tea and sucks me off twice again at night!" Passerby says "whats the problem?"

The old man replies "I can't

fucking remember where I live!"

Edited by waseemrafiq
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  • 9 months later...
  • 3 months later...

I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.

It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.


As my wife and three of her friends squeezed into the car after WeightWatchers, I muttered under my breath, "Fat fucking cows."

"What was that?" snapped my wife.

"You herd."

Edited by kavan-k
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  • 1 month later...

My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:

First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless.

The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on make-up.

She is extremely self-centred and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself.

She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.

The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet.

Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10.

I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts.

I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store she moans like a cat in heat.

But the jewel in the crown has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead.

In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work.

He probably hasn't been sober any time in the last ten years, and he's only 22.

He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work.

Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke.

Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing.

Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonald's and Burger King, every single fucking day.

Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I tried to post the whole joke but its wayyyy to long and crashed my pc,

but make yourself a brew, and have a read, try not to skip too much if you have you but its totally worth reading through to get to the punchline and is actually a surprisingly good story!


Edited by loguey
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  • 4 years later...

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