jokes

[SpeedFreak]

BEING THANKFUL

> A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, 'So your mother says your

> prayers for you each night? That's very commendable. What does she say?'

> The

> little boy replied, 'Thank God he's in bed!'

[SpeedFreak]

UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER

> During the minister's prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from

> one

> of the back pews. Tommy's mother was horrified. She pinched him into

> silence

> and, after church, asked, 'Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?'

> Tommy

> answered, soberly, 'I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then

> did!'

[SpeedFreak]

TIME TO PRAY

> A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night. 'Yes,

> sir,'

> the boy replied. 'And, do you always say them in the morning, too?' the

> pastor asked. 'No sir,' the boy replied. 'I ain't scared in the daytime.'

[SpeedFreak]

SAY A PRAYER

> Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his

> Grandmother's

> house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.

> When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.

> 'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' Said his mother 'I don't

> have

> to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do,' his mother insisted. 'We say a

> prayer before eating, at our house.' 'That's our house,' Johnny explained.

> 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

[SpeedFreak]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

'OK,' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - . Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do

you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[SpeedFreak]

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British Authorities off the north coast of Scotland.

The transcript was released by the MOD on the 10/10/95.

BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.

US NAVY: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision

BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision

US NAVY: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: Negative, I say again divert your course.

US NAVY: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

BRITISH: We are a lighthouse. Now f*ck off!

[SpeedFreak]

THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA

The computer swallowed grandma.

Yes, honestly its true!

She pressed 'control' and 'enter'

And disappeared from view.

It devoured her completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

She must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I've searched through the recycle bin

And files of every kind;

I've even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Google

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found 'online.'

So, if inside your 'Inbox,'

My Grandma you should see,

Please 'Copy,''Scan' and 'Paste' her

And send her back to me.

[Joey]

Apologies for the offence caused - was not intentional - as said was just a joke I knew of.

Didnt mean to hurt anybodys feelings - especially you Idrees.

Idrees I would have thought you would think better of me - I have never once done anything to offend anybody on this forum so why would I decide to start now?

I could say some things about some jokes on here that I have taken wrongly etc but at the end of the day - they are jokes. This is a 'jokes' thread. It isnt meant towards anybody.

Once again however, I deeply apologise for the offence caused towards everybody on here. I honestly did not mean anything by it.

[Joey]

A MANAGER'S DILEMA

An office manager had money problems & had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill... He thought he'd fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.

Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break - strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he'd wait & see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said,

"Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don't know whether to lay you or Jack off." Jill said,

"Well, you'd better jack off, because I'm late for my bus."

----------------------------------------

I apologise now if this has been said before but i thought it was quite funny

[Markoos]

A man is playing golf with a vicar:

Man takes a swing and mises the hole, man says 'God dammit missed the bugger!'

The vicar replies 'If you take the lords name in vain he will open the heavens and strike you down!'

The man takes another swing, 'GOD DAMMIT! missed the bugger!'

The vicar replies 'I'm warning you, if you take the lords name in vein again he will strike you down!'

The man takes a final swing, 'GOD DAMMIT MISSED THE BUGGER!!!!!'

The heavens open and a massive thunder bolt strike the vicar dead!

God replies 'GOD DAMMIT MISSED THE BUGGER!!!'

[Galliano]

been watching the ultimate dvd box set of Vicar Of Dibley have we?

[Markoos]

ofcourse! there are some great ones on there! lol

[Galliano]

lol there are, just never remember them myself..

but heres one i heard my mate telling at school earlier, its crap, but simple

Why did the washing machine laugh?

It was taking the piss out of the y-fronts

[Markoos]

hahaha! simple but im actually laughing quite alot!

[Glanza-Love]

scotish chat up lines...

1. Did you just fart? Cus ya just blew me away!

2. Are your parents retarded? Cus your pure special.

3. My luv for you is like diahorea i cant hold it in.

4. Is there a miror in your pant because i can see my self in them!

5. Your body reminds me of a spanner everytime a think of it my nuts tighten up/

6. you might not be the best looking girl but beauty is only a light switch away

[Galliano]

haha very good (Y)

[xenon]

[ste91]

The Irish Flatscreen:

[Galliano]

i'd hapily do that!

nothing irish about it, if anything, its somerset.

[kaylee]

thats well funny!! thats something id properbly do tho

[pr1ince]

Three men waiting in the maternity ward - an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani (bet you weren't expecting that).

The doctor comes out and says there's been a terrible mistake and the three babies have been mixed up. So they have a discussion and decide to draw lots for who has first pick. The Englishman wins and goes in first. He comes out carrying the Pakistani baby. "Hey, what are you doing?" shouts the Pakistani. "That child is clearly mine". "I'm ever so sorry mate", replies the Englishman "But one of those kids is Welsh and I'm not taking any chances".

[kaylee]

Men: Please note that the clitoris isnâ??t a crosswalk signal button. You can press it and press it and press itâ?¦ but pressing it *harder* will not necessarily make it come any faster. Patienceâ?¦

[paulgtt]

I was in a club on Saturday night, completely wasted and walked up to this beautiful blonde at the bar,

"Duck my sick" I said drunkenly

"Your so wasted" she replied, "don't you mean suck my dick?"

I threw up all over her and said "Nope!"

A gypo girl is about to get married. Her Mum says "Emerald, you do realize that when your married your husband will want to stick his most prized possession into where you piss?"

The daughter replies, "Shut up Ma, how the fuck is he going to fit his Transit van in the sink!?!"

The best engine in the world is the fanny. It takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger and every 4 weeks does it's own oil change......Its just a shame the management system is so fucking tempermental.

[Galliano]

Husband comes home to find his wife watching a cookery programme. He said "What are you watching that for? You can't fucking cook!" to which she swiftly replied; "You watch porn."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't Happy.

I bought one of those camouflage jackets the other day for working in the garden. I put it down for one second in the nice weather and haven't seen it since.

Just failed my theory test. Apparently female drivers aren't a hazard.

What is the is the point of learning poetic devices in school? Take a similie for example - the chances of me ever using one after my school life is about as likely as a Ferret killing a Lion with a samurai sword...

[gaz]

Paddy says to Mick. "Be jeezus Mick. Oi tink oi've got something stuck in me troat!" Mick says "Are ya chokin?" Paddy replies "No. Oi'm feckin serious!"