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Wow, how long have i been gone? already 7 pages...

Heres one:

Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet oftheir car.

"Quick sister," screams one nun,

"Show him your cross!"

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!"

Keep 'em coming!

T

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How to POO at work

Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all

kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something

brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves

otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate

pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking

a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING

When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the

smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but

doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do

this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled.

Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your

pants.

FLY BY

The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in

and check for other pooers. If there are others in the

bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to

become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if

they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE

A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do

not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are

standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did

not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable

for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both

parties feel

uneasy.

JAILBREAK

When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun

pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a

hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in

the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare

everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the

water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to

stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught

doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME

Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you

have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very

uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As

with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not

exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER

A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You

will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom

with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always

look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer

before entering the bathroom.

THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)

A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency

pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to

monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and

identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS

A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you

can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly

of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer

of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR

Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and

tries to force the door open. This is one of the most

shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking

a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the

Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH

A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom

that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a

WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very

effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE

A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd

Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove

all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire

, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in

peace.

WATERMELON

A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet

water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a

Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET

A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in

the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED

A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could

spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or

sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax

while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when

the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the

other bathroom attendees.

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Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really upset.

She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds

AND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window and

sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

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  • 4 months later...

Real Life Attorney/Witness Jokes

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

LMAO & LMAO :(:p:(:(:(

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I have a really nice step ladder, shame I dont know my real ladder

Cheesy as fuck I know but had me in stitches in work :( ;) :p:p

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From TGTT

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up

leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her

around his

apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely

filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of

cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange

them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had

put into

organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom

shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and

huge,

enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it

strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a

collection ofTeddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and

actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,

she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and

kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts

her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off

each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more

creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few

things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive

guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The

woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how

was it?"

The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her

eyes, and says......................

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

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