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two race horses walking across the paddock, after both having a very unsuccessful day, one said to the other,

"do you know, if i continue to perform this badly, my owner will sell me for dogmeat"

the other replied,

"i know but i cant understand it. we're both from good stock, we have excellent trainers, and we're as fit and any other horse, so why are we always last?"

a dog that was trotting alongside piped up:

"i can answer that. the trouble is, youre starting too fast and losing all you energy before the third furlong. then, when it comes to the final thrust, you've got nothing left to give! pace yourself, hold something in reserve, thena couple of hundred yards from the finish, go for broke!"

the first horse looked at the other, and said...................................................................................................................................... BUGGER ME, A TALKING DOG!!!


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Here's a dirty one -- so all the youngsters shut your ears!!


One rainy sunday afternoon a man comes though to his wife with all his fishing gear and says:

Man: "Right -- you me and the dog are going fishing today!"

Wife replies: "Don't be so daft it's absolutely pissing down out there... there's no way I'm going!"

Man retorts: "God sake woman, all I want is for you me and the dog to go fishing! Every time I go out you always nag me, if I go to the golf you say I never take you for a round, when I go to the football you say I never take you with, when I go to the pub you say I never take you for a drink!! So today all I want is for you, me and the dog to go fishing!"

The wife says: "There is no way I'm going out in weather like that!"

Man replies: "Well... you either come fishing with me or you have to give me a blowjob!!"

The wife looks out of the window at the weather and comtemplates her decision, slowly shes goes to her knees pulls down his waders and puts his dick in her mouth... a second later she spits it out and says:

Wife: "God! What is that awful taste?"

Man Replies: "Yeah... the dog didn't want to go either!!"



Well it made me laugh!

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Here's a dirty one -- so all the youngsters shut your ears!!

Dont you mean close your eyes Lobo?? :mellow::p

OK here it goes,

A Cucumber, a Pickle and a Penis was talking about their awful lives......

The Cucumber said, "my life sucks, when i get big fat and juicy they cut me up and toss me into a salad....."

The Pickle said, "when i get big fat and juicy they cover me in vinegar and throw me in a jar......."

The Penis said, " you think thats bad, whe i get big fat and juicy they pull a plastic bag over my head, stick me in a dark wet room and bang my head against a wall until i throw up and pass out!!!!"

:DB) Baaa Bumm Bumm Tssss :D:D

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some good ones there. i got one for you.

a man goes into the doctors with a strawberry growing out of his head.

the doctor said i will get you some cream for that.

the worst ones are the best. i like simple things, like myself.

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Please avert your eyes if you dont like unpleasent jokes:

Whats the biggest cause of peadofillia?

Sexy kids.... :)

What do you call a monkey that can fly?

A hot air baboon.

i have more but the disgust me to much to write them

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a trainee nurse walks in to a mental hospital to begin her new job.she asks a doctor

"how can you tell if a person is mentally unstable?"

"well" he replies, "we have a bath filled to the brim with water,then we give the patient a bucket and a teaspoon."

"what are they for?" she asks,

"we then ask the patient to empty the bath as fast as they can"

"oh ryt" she says, "the person who uses the bucket is normal."

"no" the doctor says. "The person who pulls the plug out of the bath is the normal one"

"oh ryt" she murmers

the doctor puts his arm round the nurse.and says in a calm voice,

"would you like a room by the window."

:) ;) ;) ;) ;)

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  • 3 weeks later...

3 Minute Management Course

Lesson One!

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not" So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull." They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day he reached the second branch and, finally, after a fourth

night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson:

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He laid

there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson :

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend..

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the three minute management course.


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