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A young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. As they hadn't been seeing other for very long, he decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of gloves would strike the right note, not too romantic and not too personal. He went with his girlfriend's sister to Harrods and bought a dainty pair of white fur-lined gloves, the sister bought a pair of knickers for herself at the same time.

During the wrapping the shop assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Without checking Ron sealed the package and sent it to his new girlfriend with the following letter:-

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for your sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones which are easier to remove. These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled at all. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that the pair rubs her ring which helps keep it clean and shiny. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.

All my love,

Ron

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

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The Glasgow Rangers Manager flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, he is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Scotland .

Two weeks later the Rangers are 4-0 down to Aberdeen with only 20 minutes left. The Manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod, and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation----scores 5 goals in 20 mins and wins the game for Rangers. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.

"Hello Mum, guess what?", he says in an Iraqi accent. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me."

"Wonderful", says his Mum, "let me tell you about my day."

"Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all the while you were having such a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say, Mum, but I am so sorry."

"Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!" says his mum, "it's your bloody fault we moved to Glasgow in the first place!"

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According to a news report, a private school in Aberdeen was recently faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror...

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:)

Little girl finds her dog dead with its legs in the airand asks her dad why its like that. Dad says its died and is like that so jesus can pick it up and take it to heaven. the next day she says "dad, mum nearly died today, she was on her back with her legs in the air shouting oh jesus, im coming im coming! if the milkman wasnt holding her down we'd have lost her!"

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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing."

"Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied,

"Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar open"

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5 Best things to say when caught sleeping at your desk:

5. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

4. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipex. You probably got here just in time."

2. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

And the NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus' name, Amen."

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  • 2 months later...

Menopause Jewellery

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood

ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.

When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f ***ing red mark on his

forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.

THE DUMB SH * T

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Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!

5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid £6 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.

6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!' Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass

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Gentle thoughts for today...

Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ' XL.'

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.

There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs?'

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

Change is what happens when the pain of holding on becomes greater than the fear of letting go.

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Don't scroll down til you read the question carefully!

There is a very very tall coconut tree, and there are 4 animals standing around it:

King Kong, an Ape, an Orangutan, and a Monkey.

They have a competition to see who is the fastest to get to the top of the tree

and retrieve the banana. Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your IQ. Answer within 10 seconds.

Scroll down to see the answer analysis.

If your answer is

Orangutan = dull

Ape = foolish

Monkey = idiot

King Kong = stupid

Why? A coconut tree doesn't have bananas. It's obvious you're stressed.

Can't help but wonder how many of you got this

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In a recent survey 100 people were asked:

â??Are there too many foreigners in Britain ?â?ÂÂ

The results are as follows:

20%: Yes

10%: NO

70%: معهد الأمن العالمي بواشنطن.

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An older, white haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday

>> evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweller

>> he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

>>

>> The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring

>> and showed it to them. The old man said, "I don't think you

>> understand, I want something very special."

>>

>> At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought

>> another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the

>> jeweller said.

>>

>> The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with

excitement.

>> The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

>>

>> The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the old man stated,

>> by cheque. "I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll

>> write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and

>> I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon." he said.

>>

>> Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweller phoned the old man.

>> "There's no money in that account."

>>

>> "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I've just

had?"

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Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers a question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. The Senator asks him what his name is.

'Kenneth,' the boy replies.

'And what is your question, Kenneth?'

'I have three questions: 'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? 'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? 'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?'

Just then the bell! rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kids that they will continue after recess.

When they resume, Hillary says, 'Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?'

A different little boy puts his hand up. Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Larry.'

'And what is your question, Larry?'

'I have five questions: 'First - whatever happened to the medical health care plan you were paid to develop during your husband's eight years in the office as President? 'Second - why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office? 'Third - whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House? 'Fourth - why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? 'Fifth - Where's Kenneth?'

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DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE:

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

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When things in your life seem almost too much to

handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the

mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine...

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had

some items in front of him. When the class began,

wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty

mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf

balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They

agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and

poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles

rolled into the open areas between the golf balls.

He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They

agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it

into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything

else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The

students responded with a unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from

under the table and poured the entire contents into the

jar, effectively filling the empty space between the

sand. The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided,'I

want you to recognize that this jar represents your life.

The golf balls are the important things; your family,

your children, your health, your friends, and your

favorite passions; things that if everything else was

lost and only they remained, your life would still be

full.'

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your

job, your house, and your car.

The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued,

'There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The

same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy

on the small stuff, you will never have room for the

things that are important to you.'

'Pay attention to the things that are critical to your

happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get

medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play

another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There

will always be time to clean the house and fix the

broken shelf. Take care of the golf balls first; the things

that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just

sand.'

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the

wine represented.

The professor smiled. 'I'm glad you asked. It just goes

to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,

there's always room for a couple of glasses of wine with

a friend.'

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