Sparky Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 BAAAHHH... HAHAHAHAHAAAH ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 ROFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :D B) ;) :P Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Fogdoggydog Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Good one! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Big_T-SR Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 Wow, how long have i been gone? already 7 pages...Heres one:Two nuns are out driving when a vampire drops onto the bonnet oftheir car. "Quick sister," screams one nun, "Show him your cross!"So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Oi! You! F*ck off!"Keep 'em coming!T Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sl8ter & jett Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 thats so bad its funny lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Big_T-SR Posted April 25, 2007 Share Posted April 25, 2007 haha, yer, it made me laugh though... ;) T Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted April 26, 2007 Share Posted April 26, 2007 haha, yer, it made me laugh though... TAnd me ;) good one Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 Some classy stuff Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted April 28, 2007 Share Posted April 28, 2007 :) a tenner says that nun is from NI somewhere :P Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
sl8ter & jett Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 How to POO at work Weve all been there but dont like to admit it. Weve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POO is inevitable. For those who hate pooing at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. CROP DUSTING When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesnt know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants. FLY BY The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooing. Walk in and check for other pooers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. ESCAPEE A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK When forcing a poo, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poo hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poo has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOER A colleague who poos at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooer enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooer before entering the bathroom. THE POOING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N) A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooing goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Pooers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooer of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poo at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire , leave the bathroom immediately so the pooer can poo in peace. WATERMELON A poo that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET A case of diarrhea that creates series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using Camo-Cough with an Astaire. UNCLE TED A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poo when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 :lol: Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted April 29, 2007 Share Posted April 29, 2007 Hoy fuck thats hillarious ESCAPEE Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Mikey Jay Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 Ed was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.His wife was really upset.She told him "Tomorrow morning I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 secondsAND IT HAD BETTER BE THERE."The next morning Ed got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out of the window andsure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.Confused, she put on her robe, ran out on to the driveway and picked up the box.She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Idrees Posted May 4, 2007 Share Posted May 4, 2007 LMFAO!^^I've heard that before, but its still awesome! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted May 5, 2007 Share Posted May 5, 2007 Good stuff Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted May 7, 2007 Share Posted May 7, 2007 :P :) those are freakin GENIUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Real Life Attorney/Witness JokesThese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget.ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?WITNESS: We both do.ATTORNEY: Voodoo?WITNESS: We do.ATTORNEY: You do?WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death.ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Guess._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Jozinobi Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Here's one I just made up... ;)Q: What did the cow say to the other cow about the bad comedian???A: Pull the udder one.Parappa!!!!Joz Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________And the best for last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing lawLMAO & LMAO -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I have a really nice step ladder, shame I dont know my real ladder Cheesy as fuck I know but had me in stitches in work ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 ;) :P awesome!Two guys walked into a pub, you'd think one of them would have seen it! boomboom tissssch!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Sparky Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 Dont u mean BAR Phil???? ;) Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 same difference! shut the hell up! I've had a bad day!what has an illegal immigrant got in common with sperm?Millions of the fuckers come flooding in but only one bastard works!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Idrees Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 From TGTTA woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end upleaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows heraround hisapartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completelyfilled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds ofcute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall!It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrangethem and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he hadput intoorganizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottomshelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, andhuge,enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found itstrange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large acollection ofTeddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, andactually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while,she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one!Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him andkisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically liftsher in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip offeach other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, morecreativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a fewthings she had never done with any other man.After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitiveguy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. Thewoman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, howwas it?"The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into hereyes, and says......................"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!" Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Nanglebadger Posted September 12, 2007 Share Posted September 12, 2007 :P :( :( ;) thats awesome!Phil. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
tr1cky Posted September 14, 2007 Share Posted September 14, 2007 a boy says to his mother, "mum, is it wrong to have a willy?"no she says, why's that?because dads sweating like fuck in the bathroom trying to pull his off. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
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